Would You Eat This - The Smash Diet

April 30 2018

Only a third of the year has gone by and you’ve probably already lost track of your New Year’s resolutions. Remember when you said that you would get on your exercise bike and play PUBG while eating a three calorie salad dressed in the tears of your enemies? It looks more like you decided to dedicate yourself to family-sized bags of Cheetos while grinding mastery levels on League instead. No, your six-pack of energy drinks doesn’t count as you getting fit. You, my friend, need to get your act together with your diet.

Do you have any reason to worry? Of course not! With the extended knowledge given to me via numerous 20 minute YouTube videos, I am confident that I have the knowledge to provide you with a meal plan that you can probably stick to. That's by crafting a diet that can be shared by your digital counterpart, based on the food found in their game! Not only will you both be 'sharing' a meal together, you’ll both be fueled for whatever enemy decides to step in your way and challenge you to a 1v1!

Let’s start with a game that everyone knows about: Super Smash Bros (and all its iterations)!

Let’s start with the most important meal of the day: breakfast! Where better to enjoy the meal that starts your morning then a trip to the extravagant Mushroom Kingdom, because nothing says morning like clear blue skies, waddling Goombas, and questionably round smiling clouds!

Who are we going to see around here? Is that Mario and Kirby hungry for shrooms and stars? And that has to be Marth and Falco warming up for a rumble next to the castle. Clearly, these guys need a hearty meal to get ready for brawlin’. What’s Chef Luigi gonna give them? A Toad Mushroom omelette? Some Princess Peach Pancakes? Bowser’s Banana Bread?

Kirby’s at a pretty okay 35% and is sucking the life out of Falco while Marth is just SLAYIN Mario to a whopping 154% when out of nowhere, the cheery Chef Luigi brings out...a bunch of bananas.

I mean, if Donkey Kong eats these and looks the way he looks, I’m down for it.

A couple of hours later since seeing Kirby consume 27 bananas in one inhale, lunch is the next direction to go to. A nice bowl of fresh and delicious poke sounds good!

Poke...poke...Pokemon stadium! Maybe that’s the best lunch spot! It’s here where the stage is set, the lights beam bright, and everyone in town is always looking forward to coming here and witnessing the next astounding Poke-punch!

Looking from the front stadium seats, we see the contenders marching their way onto the fresh cut grass. We’ve got Pikachu trotting in with confidence, Samus waving to the crowd, Link swinging his mighty sword, and Fox...being Fox! Let’s get the Poke bowls up in here or some Pikachu Paninis with a generous portion of ketchup. Let’s bring in some Charmander Chicken Nuggets with some Monferno sauce to jazz it up!

The combos are flying and the crowd is fired up. Clearly as their home turf, Pikachu comes out as the winner! Everyone celebrates with a brunch brought out by the adorable coach Pichu, who happily brings out a full on delicious lunch!.....a lemon.

Are we doing some weird fruitarian diet or something? Do they have to eat the peel too? Is it literally just ONE lemon for ALL FOUR of them? Pichu, you’re causing another blood bath, my friend.

It’s been almost three hours and Pichu seems to be doing a really good job of running away from everyone after the whole lemon incident. Just as everyone’s about to wreak havoc out of anger and hunger (or hanger), a loud explosion occurs. Everyone, shocked out of their minds, leaves the stadium and runs out to see a huge barrage over at...Castle Siege!

What could be going on there? Looking far into the distance, it looks like Diddy Kong and Meta Knight are slashing away at each other while Ness and Bayonetta are fighting to the death. It doesn’t look too good, as everyone is then scrambling to find something to eat, and drops start to fly. What’s this? Is that a bird? A plane? A mysterious spawn appears out of the blue. All four of them dash for it, the excitement rushing through their bodies, and they find themselves with a wholesome and tasty dinner of!....

....a peanut.

So much trouble for such a small reward. There needs to be a final spot for the final course of dessert, and I can’t think of a place more fitting than...Final Destination. Rummaging through the aftermath of dinner leads into this mega platform surrounded by an everlasting galaxy. Shooting from the stars are the Ice Climbers wobbling in, Samus flying from the skies no problem, Sheik dashing forward, and Yoshi plopping from who-knows where. Instead of brawling with fists, however, they fight with pots and pans! Final Destination becomes an extravagant cook-off! What will happen here? Will Yoshi conjure up his Egg-cellent Yoshi Yolk Pudding?

The stage is a blur, the stars are clashing, but alas, the dessert appears. The decadent, the indulgent, and the fulfilling dessert that this charismatic team have created is none other than!...


….Final Destination? More like final meal before I shoot myself into a black hole.

Now that we have our 3 main meals and dessert, let’s recap what we found in this...interesting journey.

Breakfast: Three bananas (yes, skin and all)
Lunch: Lemon (rind and all)
Dinner: A single, lonely peanut.
Dessert: Salad

With the meal plan finished, let’s look at the most important part: the nutrition facts!

So how good is this meal plan you ask? Well ask yourself this: “What do the pros think? Would they use it?” Let’s ask them!

Based on their responses, the score is an astonishing NEGATIVE 3 Micheliquid Stars!

There you have it folks! It looks like this diet was a sham instead of a smash. None of our players would eat this — and how could they? A successful progamer needs a healthy diet, and this is just... nope. Tune in next time as we explore more in-game diets, and maybe it'll actually be something we'd want to eat.

Writer // Vivian Nguyen